Spiraling downward...

Ten years have passed since my last major depressive episode, and MAJOR it was.  The temptation to just allow myself to sink back into it is very compelling.  There's the old familiarity again.  This I know all too well.  The hopelessness and worthlessness beckon me into their embrace.  There are two of me now.  The sensible and responsible side that knows I should go see a shrink before I lose control.  Close beside her is the sad little girl who just longs for someone to pick her up and hold her close and say, "You are safe.  I'll take care of you and make everything ok.  You can trust me."  Fat chance of that, huh?  lol

I opened up a bit to my daughter last night knowing that it would only make things worse.  The tears haven't stopped since.  I applied heavier than usual eye makeup this morning in an attempt to cover up my swollen eyes.  Problem is that the tears keep washing it away.  How can I get out and face the world today?  The same way I always have, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There has to be more to life than this.

A new year

2011 is here.  The new year arrived full of fun, laughter and hope of new and exciting things to come - a momentary illusion.  Inevitably the cloud pressed in upon me once again.  Depression.  Sucks.  Three days into the new year and my life has returned to status quo.  Although I know that I am the only one that can change my circumstances, I feel powerless to do so.  Familiarity is comfortable regardless of how uncomfortable it is.  Four days passed and I didn't leave the house.  I haven't been back to church.  My heart is rebellious.  Perhaps this is my wilderness experience?  Or is that just another excuse to stay in my comfort zone though I find no comfort there?