I will not be moved.

So I made the conscious decision recently to wait for and then follow only God's leading.  Christmas Eve 2008, I felt led to visit a certain church.  I somehow managed to ignore that prompting until September of 2010.  How courageous I thought myself to be that I finally went.  Immediately (of course), I felt at home there.  God filled that place, and I bowed my head in wonder.  A chorus played over in my mind:  "In Your presence, that's where I always want to be."  Naturally, it took me another month to return, and that time I brought along reinforcement.  Again, the Spirit pressed upon my heart that I was exactly where He wants me to be.  This past Sunday, I came up with several legitimate reasons not to attend this church for the third time.  Each obstacle was removed.  Still feeling that I needed confirmation and approval, I questioned my motives to two trusted friends.  Stop questioning and just go!  Twice, I heard it.  I obeyed.

Over the past two days I have been bombarded with distractions.  Waiting is not easy.  God never said it would be.  He did however say that it would be worth it.  To obey is better than sacrifice.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.

Regardless of the distractions railed against me, I will not be moved.

Sticks and Stones

Words mean things. 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  Do you remember hearing that saying when you were a kid?  A false statement to say the least.  I would much rather have been slapped than to hear some the words that have been spoken to me.  I remember being slapped across the face once by my father.  He certainly got my attention.  I was never able to get through to him though.  Perhaps I should have slapped him back? :)  He would not listen to my words.  He did not seek to know my heart.

Words are extremely important.  People really should remember to think before they speak.  Seriously, for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks.  Jesus said that, you know.  Listen to people.  What are their hearts full of?  Sticks and stones? 

I love this simple prayer, "Lord, please help me today to make my words soft and sweet - for tomorrow I may have to eat them."  Author Unknown

def·i·ni·tion

*dɛfəˈnɪʃən/ Show Spelled[def-uh-nish-uhn] – noun
1.the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.
2.the formal statement of the meaning or significance of a word, phrase, etc.
3.the condition of being definite, distinct, or clearly outlined.
4.Optics. sharpness of the image formed by an optical system.
5.Radio and Television. the accuracy of sound or picture reproduction.

*I don't know what dɛfəˈnɪʃən/  means but it looks cool, doesn't it?

Emptiness or Fullness?

Jesus said, "From the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks."  Well, I don't speak much.  At least, not about anything that really matters.  Does that mean my heart is empty of anything meaningful?  Perhaps it does.  Or maybe it's just all closed up inside of me - the fullness of my heart being all locked up.  No outlet.  If that is so, what fills my heart? Is there something attempting to burst forth from within me?  Highly unlikely. 

I've held everything in for so long now.  All those feelings and emotions lying deep within my weeping spot.  Please don't get near that spot.  I'll weep for hours if THAT is touched.  52 years of life experiences bottled up in there.  Does it matter?  Do I matter?  I really don't think so.  I'm simply here for a purpose.  And I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  I am who I am for a reason. 

So where do I go from here? 

Are we meant to completely share our heart with anyone but God?

Haunted

                                                     
The dreaded flow of memories and crushing burden of my sin
Thoughts that haunt my secret place waging a war I cannot win
The heart it is a fragile thing left in another's care
Exposure leaves it vulnerable to the wounds I've buried there
My grasp upon what's real or not is tenuous at best
The raging battle in my mind does not permit me rest
My soul it aches for solid ground and shelter from despair
Each breath I take reminds me of the hope no longer there
Overwhelming is the solitude and emptiness within
What lies before me is a circle and I end where I begin
9-25-2000