rumination....

ru·mi·nate

  /ˈruməˌneɪt/ [roo-muh-neyt] verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing. verb

(used without object)

1. to chew the cud, as a ruminant.

2. to meditate or muse; ponder.

verb (used with object)

3. to chew again or over and over.

4. to meditate on; ponder.

Carrie or me?

She truly trusts no one but her Master.

She prefers to be alone.

She cowers when people approach her, and attempts to slink away unnoticed.

She feels most safe when she is hiding.

She's angry at those that walk away.

She was kicked around when she was young.

Thick are the walls of her defenses. 

it's obvious...

Romans 1:18-20

God’s Wrath Against Mankind

 ¹⁸ The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, ¹⁹ since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

Looking back...

January 26, 2006
I'm free to be myself again.  My God, My Deliverer...

Days of Noah

Genesis 6:5-8

 ⁵ The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. ⁶ The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. ⁷ So the LORD said, “I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth—men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air—for I am grieved that I have made them.” ⁸ But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD.

Genesis 6:11-12

 ¹¹ Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence. ¹² God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways.

Genesis 8:21-22

²¹ The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though^[a] every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.
 ²² “As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease.”

eschatology

es·cha·tol·o·gy  noun Theology .

1. any system of doctrines concerning last, or final, matters, as death, the Judgment, the future state, etc.

2. the branch of theology dealing with such matters.

 

Be ready for the end is near!!!  What else can I say?  Read the headlines.  The world around us has gone crazy. 

 

As in the days of Noah, so shall the coming of the Son of Man be. 

 

I was thinking yesterday about the Sonny and Cher show.  Cher's teeth were very crooked back in the late 60's.  She was so skinny and had that long, black shiny hair.  Sonny was a beatnik.  "I got you, babe."  Chastity's birth was headline news.    Many an hour was spent in the basement at my Mom's house with my face inches from the screen of our black and white TV with its rabbit ear antenna. 

 

Times certainly have changed since I was 8.  Today Chastity is now Chaz and bears no resemblance to the pretty little girl in ribbons and bows.  Remember Pat on SNL?  I don't feel sorry for Chaz but I do feel a great compassion.  Chaz is a major example of the Days of Noah in which we now live. 

You should be ashamed of yourself!!!

Believe me, I am.  Guilt and shame stand guard around me. 

a·shamed adjective

1. feeling shame; distressed or embarrassed by feelings of guilt, foolishness, or disgrace: He felt ashamed for having spoken so cruelly.

2. unwilling or restrained because of fear of shame, ridicule, or disapproval: They were ashamed to show their work.

 

Romans 6:21

²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!

 

 

3 weeks later...

You can say what you think, but you live what you believe.  Can I live what I believe?  Can I practice what I preach?  Do I?

I'm so tired of the never-ending chore of cleaning things.

Ten years have passed since I went crazy.  I kinda miss being a little crazy.  Rarely do I let my guard down anymore.  Feelings hurt so I try not to have any.  Any kind of excess of emotion makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I don't feel safe enough to allow myself to venture forth from this fortress.  Besides, I've spent my life learning to keep my mouth shut and not write anything down.  Unless directly asked, I seldom share my opinion.  Often I have no opinion at all.  Sometimes I'm simply dumbfounded by the things that I have observed and been a witness to. 

A decade ago, I was scared to death and running on fear, frightened by what I had opened myself up to.  I wasn't up to the task set before me although I had earnestly prayed for it.  I had my own vision of how I thought things would be.  Reality never lives up to fantasy.

I really must go scrub in the bathroom for a while.

reason

1. Isaiah 1:18
   “Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
   Isaiah 1:17-19 (in Context) Isaiah 1 (Whole Chapter)

rea·son

noun

1.   a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2.   a statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3.   the mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4.   sound judgment; good sense.

5.   normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

recrudesce, quiescent

re·cru·desce - (ree-kroo-des):  to break out afresh anything that has been quiescent.

 

qui·es·cent  [kwee-es-uhnt, kwahy-]:  being at rest; quiet; still; inactive or motionless: a quiescent mind.

to my daughter

Two weeks ago today, we were anticipating a day together then an evening of praise and worship.  How awesome is that?

 

We were doing exactly what God wants us to do.  In that moment when you looked at me with tears streaming down your face, didn't you 'know that you know that you know' that God has His hand on your life and you need not be afraid?  He allows us to carry that with us in our hearts.  He wants us to live a life of praise and worship in spirit and in truth - to live that life song.  The peace and security you felt at the concert is yours to keep with you and to live by.  It is not confined in any way to an auditorium or a church.  It lives within your heart if you choose it, moment by moment and day by day.

 

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

 

Close your eyes then take a deep breath.  Ask God to renew that moment when you felt like you were right there with Him.  He never left His place.  He's steadfastly waiting for you to choose His way and His path over the patterns of this world. 

 

In your heart and in your thoughts, He wants you to remain in that moment and trust in Him to handle absolutely everything else.  Circumstances are what they will be, and they will change in small ways and in big ways.  Circumstances are just one of the many vessels to contain and overflow with the attitudes of our heart.  What is pouring out of the circumstances you face in any given day?  Are you choosing His way or following the pattern of this world?  On which do you focus?

Psalm 37:4

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.

There is no need to search for the good things that life has in store for you. Simply wait and allow God to present them to you within His timing and in His way.

Imagine...

In the next moment, you hear a loud trumpet sound from the heavens, a sound unlike anything your ears have ever heard.  Next the sky splits open, the edges of the heavens rolling back on themselves like a scroll.  Then you see Him descending to earth from among the clouds.  In that moment, will you behold a friend and a brother with confidence and without fear?  Or will He plainly pass you by with the comment:  "I never knew you."

Matthew 7:23
Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

the fig tree...

Never before in the history of mankind has the fig tree been more heavily laden with fruit.

Matthew 24:32-34

   ³² “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. ³³ Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it^[a] is near, right at the door. ³⁴ I tell you the truth, this generation^[b] will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.

Word of God speak...

Matthew 10:19-20
At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

a joyful heart...

On July 7, 2011 I wrote:  "Feeling withdrawn and asocial again.  Over-exposed.  I long for laughter and a joyful heart."

It's Monday, August 15 now.  Over the weekend, I laughed harder than I have laughed in a very long time.  I laughed so hard I couldn't catch my breath!  Together my daughter and I wept tears of joy.

Proverbs 15:15
All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
Proverbs 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

bringing in the sheaves

We reap what we sow.  What a joy to bring in the sheaves!

sheaf -  plural sheaves

noun

1.  one of the bundles in which cereal plants, as wheat, rye, etc., are bound after reaping.

2.  any bundle, cluster, or collection: a sheaf of papers.

verb (used with object)

3.  to bind (something) into a sheaf or sheaves.

Psalm 126:6
⁶ He who goes out weeping,
   carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
   carrying sheaves with him.

Psalm 30:5

⁵ ... weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

a spacious place

God is asking me to open my heart and share my thoughts.  What is in my heart?  What do my thoughts think?  Good grief.  I've spent the majority of my life learning to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.  Thick are the walls of my defenses. 

"2 Samuel 22:20   He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

God took me away from all of that so that He could give me this. 

How cool is that??

I have a grandson!  His name is Aldyansyah Ridwan.  We have decided to call him Al.  Al will be 9 in November, and his home is in Indonesia.

During an intermission Friday night, Mark Hall spoke about World Vision.  Mark is the Youth Pastor at Eagles Landing First Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia.  He is also the lead singer and song writer for the band (Casting Crowns).  Mark shook my hand and asked my name.  We are now BFF's forever, of course!  CR, I finally found your brother, and he's my brother too.  Awesome walk of faith this guy has.  My daughter and I had decided we would sponsor a child together through World Vision, so I had gone up to get a kid.  These people are giving away kids!!  Love it.  Got me one.  Now my daughter says I can quit pestering her about grandbabies.

While I was walking back to my seat, I looked down at the face of this child God gave me to love.  Next to his picture his birthdate was written:  November 25, 2002.  We share the same date of birth.  How cool is that?

I came home early Saturday morning with a new-found brother and a grandson.  Seriously, how cool is that???

God is so good.  He's so good to me.

to Casting Crowns:

John 4:22-24
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.”

Thank you for sharing an incredible evening of worship - in spirit and in truth.
God speed to each of you. You are a gift from God to so many :)

omni: meaning all

om·nis·cient

1.  having complete or unlimited knowledge, awareness, or understanding; perceiving all things.

 

om·nip·o·tent

1.  almighty or infinite in power, as God.

2.  having very great or unlimited authority or power.

heavenly lights or shifting shadows?

God does not change.  He is sovereign and constant, yesterday, today, eternally.  This is an important thing to write upon the tablet of your heart.  Beware the shifting shadows.

"Test the spirits," the bible says.  "Hold fast to what is fine." 

Open our eyes, Lord.  Make us aware of what is constant and what is a shifting shadow.  Your discernment we seek.

Thursday morning...

Not going in to the office until 10 today.  The work load has eased up a bit which is good for the stress level but not for our P&L.  Gives me time to get down to the courthouse and dig through the old books in the dungeon too.  When I get to work, my boss is leaving and taking the rest of the week off.  This is the most quiet it's been in a long time.  Too hot for real estate.

My job is a blessing to me, truly a gift from God.  I told papergirl years ago that my goal was a stress free life.  God has provided all that is needed for the attainment of that goal.  My social contact is minimal.  I have a dear friend/teammate/co-worker/co-conspirator/sister/daughter/boss that I love to spend my days with.  And she cooks for me too!  And I have a magic jug that refills itself with green tea whenever she is in the office.  How great is that? 

Lovin' God's Gifts!!!!

Luke 11:13
If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
God speed.

a heavy heart....

What spirit is this that presses upon my heart the burdens of this world? 

 

Matthew 11:28-30

   ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

 

op·press

1.  to burden with cruel or unjust impositions or restraints; subject to a burdensome or harsh exercise of authority or power: a people oppressed by totalitarianism.

2.   to lie heavily upon (the mind, a person, etc.): Care and sorrow oppressed them.

3.   to weigh down, as sleep or weariness does.

 

Love and faithfulness...

Proverbs 3:3 says, "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

'Write them on the tablet of your heart.'  I love that. 

So I searched 'love' first at dictionary.com, curious as to how the world officially defines it.  I should not have been surprised by what I discovered, but was nonetheless. 

love:  noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

1.  a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.  a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.  sexual passion or desire.

 The first two are warm and fuzzy enough, I suppose.  But #3?  Come on.  Sexual passion and desire are not love.  They are the manifestation of love for some, but in the world today, I doubt there are many of those to be found. 

God is love.  Take God out of the picture of the universe and you take out love.  Allow God to write upon the tablet of your heart.  :)

So how does the world define faithfulness?

faith·ful –adjective

1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.

More to Life

Six months later.  There is definitely so much more to life than that.  God has given me a fresh revelation of Himself, His word, and the redemptive power of His love for us.

On May 28, 2011 I danced at my daughter's wedding.  I cannot remember a day in my life when I ever felt so carefree and unburdened.  Not once throughout all the days of my anticipation of this event did I imagine the impact it would have upon my spirit.  Twice in my life I have heard God speak to my heart and say "Well done."  This was the second time.  (The first is a story for another day.)  The revelation and realization of God's sovereignty has set me awestruck anew. 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

He revealed to me all that is lasting and lingers longer than a feast and a celebratory welcome home.

Spiraling downward...

Ten years have passed since my last major depressive episode, and MAJOR it was.  The temptation to just allow myself to sink back into it is very compelling.  There's the old familiarity again.  This I know all too well.  The hopelessness and worthlessness beckon me into their embrace.  There are two of me now.  The sensible and responsible side that knows I should go see a shrink before I lose control.  Close beside her is the sad little girl who just longs for someone to pick her up and hold her close and say, "You are safe.  I'll take care of you and make everything ok.  You can trust me."  Fat chance of that, huh?  lol

I opened up a bit to my daughter last night knowing that it would only make things worse.  The tears haven't stopped since.  I applied heavier than usual eye makeup this morning in an attempt to cover up my swollen eyes.  Problem is that the tears keep washing it away.  How can I get out and face the world today?  The same way I always have, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There has to be more to life than this.

A new year

2011 is here.  The new year arrived full of fun, laughter and hope of new and exciting things to come - a momentary illusion.  Inevitably the cloud pressed in upon me once again.  Depression.  Sucks.  Three days into the new year and my life has returned to status quo.  Although I know that I am the only one that can change my circumstances, I feel powerless to do so.  Familiarity is comfortable regardless of how uncomfortable it is.  Four days passed and I didn't leave the house.  I haven't been back to church.  My heart is rebellious.  Perhaps this is my wilderness experience?  Or is that just another excuse to stay in my comfort zone though I find no comfort there?